Vivid Memory: Meeting Howard

I swear , I would would never forget the day I met Howard. I remember it like it was yesterday.

March 20th, 2012 around 1pm-ish, I was walking out the train station on the Grand Concourse. I had just came from shopping at Time Square, I was heading to my grandmothers house to get my social security card cause my job at the time was asking for it.

As I was walking there was a group of guy, just hang out under the scaffold. I freak out when I walk by a group of guys. I don't know why , I just HATE IT ! I passed by semi-speed walking and there was just one guy who stood out the most. He was wearing a white tee, I believe cargo shorts, black sneaker and Gucci shades. I took a quick glance at him and I swear I feel in love with his smile. He asked me if I wanted him to hold my bags. I smile at him and giggled a lil. In my head I was actually say "YESS ! , hold my bags". I continued walking.

After I left my grandmothers house I had the choice to walk to the other train station or walk back to the train station I came from. I chose to walk to the train station I came from. I kinda wanted to look at him one more time, because his smile was SOO perfect, it wasn't really my intention, but w.e I had to see him once more. And when I walked back, he smiled at me again and asked to hold my bags. I of course said no thanks, giggle, and kept on walking, in a slow pace...pretending to look through my phone. And right before I turned the corner, he was right behind me. I looked at him like "OH MY". He asked me a couple of time for my number, and I kept on saying no, I don't give my number to random guys...But what the heck, I did anyway. I literally couldnt stop thinking about him on the train ride to work. And I wonder if he was ever going to text or call me.. and that same night he did. We spoke for 4 hours on the phone. LOL. YES 4 hours, getting to know each other. And from that day on I knew i was going to have this guy in my life.

I dont know what it was about him, his smile, his voice, IDK .. I just feel in love with him. It was love at first sight , even though he has sunglasses on LOL. But I felt the connection right through him.

And here we are, one year later. TOGETHER. IN LOVE. HAPPY. We have had tough time, arguments, ups and downs, but he has never left my side. I love him with all my heart and I swear I fall in love with him every single day.

Summer 2012

First date 

Spring 2013

Letting Go. BE FREE

Letting something go has to be the hardest thing. Once you get accustomed/adjusted/use to something its hard to see your self with out it. For me letting go is like taking a piece of me. But I have learned to let things go and not get attached to it. I have learned to let go of everything in my life, even the things that mean and matter the most to me. Before I learned to let go, I always thought about, what would I have left, and how lonely I would. No connections, no attachments, no friend or family. Just me. I cant lie I am still working on "letting go". I have been somewhat monastic lately and I cant lie its hard to detach yourself from things you been holding on to all your life. But I have discovered how free I feel. I have also witness  the peace and tranquility with acceptance and loving to everything. I'm not looking to be a monk or a nun, but I have notice that monks and nuns seem to have so much joy, peace and compassion. Yet every single one of them has chosen to let go of everything. They have chosen to get go of possessions because is not love and attachment causes suffering.  

Notice how after a break-up you may feel lost, lonely and all these negative feelings inside of you. That's because you were probably attached and dedicated so much to that person, that it hurts now that they are gone. And this is TOTALLY NORMAL ! Every human being has feeling towards something. And also notice that after a while with out being with that person you tend to forget about the pain and suffering you went through and you start living life and feeling a bit more freedom. 

( Here is the link to a post I wrote similar to this : Click HERE ! )

One way of letting go is to forgive yourself. Everything that you've done in your life up until this moment, you had to do. The proof of this is that you did it! The fact that we can’t erase the past says something to us. We are called on to forgive ourselves, to honor what is past, to love and respect it. Look back and say, “That’s what I needed to do, that’s the person I needed to be at that time in my life. I did that, and I’ve learned from it. Now I can move on.”

Let go of frustration with your life and yourself. Cry it out. YES ! If you have to cry, CRY ! If you have to step outside and yell at the world DO IT ! Make your self feel freedom. STOP DWELLING ON THING YOU CANT EVER CHANGE. Live the moment that it happening now because its all you will ever get. Let go of built up anger, because you aren't hurting anyone but yourself. Everything you have been through is an experience for the better you in the future. Accept yourself for who you are. Don't change for anything in this world. Its not an easy thing to wake up one day and decide to let go of something, it takes time. But first remember that YOU are more important, and YOUR feelings and happiness matter more. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. 

When we all leave this earth, we leave with NOTHING. The house,cars, jewelry..ect will stay here. When you leave this earth you leave with the same thing you came with, NOTHING. So why stress over material things and people who give you a hard time ? Just simply wake up and realize that we are not just human being experiencing the earth, We are a SOUL/SPIRIT in a human form experiencing the earth.

Think of "letting go" as a way to be thankful and accepting the experiences that made you laugh, cry, and help you learn and grow. At times is also good to distance yourself for a while in order to gain some clarity on a situation. Take a break and explore something else for a certain amount of time. When you distance yourself from something, you return to where you started with a different point of view. 

Remember that YOU are in full control of your life, AND YOU decide where you want to head. If you want to let go and move on , you are the only person that can make it happen. REMEMBER YOU ARE WHAT MATTERS. Focus on what today has for you, negative experiences in the past do not have anything to do with your future. Once you let go YOU ARE FREE ! Free to be who you want, free to make yourself happy, free to do WHATEVER ! 

THE PAST CAN NOT BE CHANGED ! LET GO AND MOVE ON !!!

Motivational Song

I listen to this song everytime I feel like I'm down.. It reminds me to not give up... JUST KEEP BREATHING

OLD PICTURES I FOUND ON MY PHOTOBUCKET

These picture are from 3 years ago !

Dear Readers,

Dear Readers,

     I don't know how many of you there is, but I just want to say thank you for stopping by. I haven't posted much on here and my blog is far from popular in the blog world. Something that makes me happy is logging in everyday and looking at the views and stats I get per day. Even when I first started blogging and I had 3 views I was all giggity. I may not have the most followers or interesting stories but this is something I enjoy. I have thought about quitting a few times, but this is what keeps me in a good state. This past month I have been doing the blog everyday in may challenge and I have been reading so many interesting blogs. My blog has been more interesting cause of this challenge, but when its over I promise I will keep it interesting. I love writing, but I am still undecided on how much of my life I would share online. I have so many ideas, goals, other things I will be sharing through out my blogging experience. Thank you for taking out time to read my posts and STAY TONE FOR MUCH MORE !

Follow me on INSTAGRAM & TWITTER : @DOLCERUSH4L

Blog STALKER

I skipped yesterday's prompt, because I was having one of those days where I just didn't want anything to do with society, and I did not feel like blogging or even being social. I took the day off from the WWW.'s

I'm back to the link up today. Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you'd like.

Well, I have been stalking peoples life's for the past month due to this challenge, I have read about 50 blogs everyday and I have to say THERE IS PRETTY AWESOME PEOPLE OUT THERE ! By reading others blogs , I feel like I kinda know them already. I enjoy reading about other's lives and things they face on their daily basis. I have also learn so much from reading blogs. I kinda feel like a stalker now LOL !

My 3 Worst Traits

Ha !

My three worst traits that I try to avoid.. but I just cant

1. Moody - This will always be my biggest challenge, its so crazy how my mood can switch in .2 seconds. And its annoying when I notice it for myself. Sometimes i just cant help it. 

2. Procrastinator - HA ! this is how I feel right now. I'm actually pushing myself to blog right now. Anything that can be done tomorrow I will do it tomorrow. And sometimes doing thing when I don't want to gets me in a bad mood. I'm such a SLOTH !

3. Gullible - Yes, I can easily be tricked and I always notice after its been done. I think its just me always thinking people are genuine, until I see the true colors.. then its too late.

Things I've Learn That School Didn't Teach Me

Most of the thing I know today I've learned outside of school. In fact everything I know I've learn outside of school, because all my life I've been in a sucky public school system which teacher just care about their paychecks at the end of the week *Welcome to NYC*...

Honestly the only things I've learned in school are the basics, Math, English,Science, and History ...written on textbooks..which some don't even have the right facts.

Most of the things I've learn , My mom has taught me, I have experienced, I have observed others going through things, or I have looked up information on my own and learn the hard way.

School did not teach me :

• How to love myself
• How to take care of my body
• How to cook
• How amazing life is when you let go of the past
• How to love
• How your "close" friendships shrink
• How to save and invest
• Your not obligated to follow the crowd
• Its okay to be different 
• You can be your own boss, you don't have to work for anyone
• HOW TO LIVE LIFE ! 

I think we shouldn't expect much from schools, After all life and personal experiences are the best teachers.

Rant

Day 22. Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. 




Ahhh a perfect day to rant ! ABOUT INSTAGRAM and the FUCKERY that I see on there:

1. People on Instagram who post textgram like if its a facebook status or a tweet on twitter. ex: "eating breakfast in bed with my baby" ...go post that kind of thing on Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr. I usually get annoyed by textgrams. 
2. People who feel the need to be all public about their sexual desires on Instagram ! I don't wanna see ass and tits of bitches you will never have and photoshop bodies giving oral sex to a guy.. THAT IS JUST DISTURBING ! keep your sexual fantasies to yourself !! not the public. I don't wish to know how horny you are or what you desire. . Sex is something intimate and intimacy is suppose to be private. 
3. Stupid teen girls exposing their bodies and then expecting guys not to disrespect them. Is that really what your mother taught you growing up ? to flash your goods to the public? did you know pictures on instgram are being sold for money ? And then you call guys thirsty when the write comments on how they want you ... WHERE IS YOUR SELF RESPECT HOE ?
4. People who shout each other out just for more follows. I feel like I am on Myspace all over again. Why do you want so many followers ? what do you gain out of having 348327 people who don't know following you ?

ugh, Im just so over instagram..I done seen everything on there, from vagina to dicks to stupid hoes humiliating themselves and then crying about getting exposed. 

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY... just fuck it all. 

(excuse my language) 

Favorite posts

 Day 21 of the Challenge is a list of links to your favorite posts in your archives.

This is going to be a bit of a challenge for me because I recently just started blogging, so I don't have much. I have been blogging the most during this month , because of this challenge :p

But here it goes:

My favorite posts in my archive:

1. Lesson Learned
2. Falling in Love
3. Favorite Quote
4. A moment in Solitude

Struggles

I don't even know where to start, because right now I am thinking about 1,000 other things instead of today's prompt : Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now. And today is the perfect day to blog about what I am struggling right now.

As you may notice I missed yesterdays prompt. I had it in mind, but I was having a rough day and my mind was all over the place. I literally did not get up from bed yesterday. But here it goes , Day 19: 5 of my favorite blogs and what I love about them :

• So Shay
• Story of My Life
• The Daily Tay
• Uni The Peach
• Because Shanna Said So

These are my top 5 favorite blogs. They are actually the first blogs I started reading and these are the blogs I keep up with the most. These wonderful ladies inspire me so much.

******
I blogged about my hyperthyroidism 2 days ago. And today I'm going to be blogging about my chronic condition of Hypothyroidism. Which is my DAILY STRUGGLE. My thyroid became "hypo" about 4 years ago after I went under radiation treatment to burn out my thyroid gland. If you would like to learn more about Hypothyroidism click here . I recently started taking Levothyroxine which is suppose to level out my hormone levels. I've been on it for the past 5 weeks and I have to say this medication has been my BIGGEST STRUGGLE EVER ! After 2 years without medication (because of my stupid health insurance) my body is still trying to figure out this crap. Its hard to explain what I am going through and what I feel to anyone who asks. I honestly feel worst then ever. I've tried to explain this to my doctor but all she says its normal. NO IT'S NOT NORMAL TO FEEL THE WAY I FEEL !  I'm struggling with severe mood changes, hair loss, small hives, muscle weakness, low energy, quivering, and anxiety. I have to deal with this everyday, not knowing which side effect want to take charge of the day. I feel like no one really understands my conditions. The sad thing is I have to drink these pills for the rest of my life and I have a high risk of infertility. I've been drinking pills since I was 7 years old and I swear to god, I AM TIRED OF IT !

Another thing I have been struggling with is my trauma. Last November (2012) a man tried to sexually assault me and rob me (I don't want to get into much details about that) After that experience I have been terrified of walking near men, or even being near men. I always feel like who ever looks and stares at me is trying to hurt me. I know its a bad thing because not everyone is the same, but I just cant help it. Every time I look back and I see a man walking behind me for more than 2 blocks i start to panic.

Today on my way to the doctor, I was almost near the last stop of the bus and I notice I was the only girl on the bus and there was 6 men on there too. I immediately got in a shock mode and started to panic. My stop was the next stop, but it felt like forever and a day to get there. So many things were going through my head and I rushed to the back door and prayed it opened quickly. I have been considering trying to find some help, even though it was offered to me in the beginning and I felt like I could of dealt with it on my own, but I was wrong. This is something that I struggle with everyday and I need help soon.

Being Diagnose with Hypothyroidism

When I was about 7 years old I was diagnosed with Hyper Hypothyroidism  I did not understand what it was, or what it went, or what it was doing to my body. I use to watch my mom cry every day because it was so chronic I couldn't walk because my joints were hurting so much. I remember that it was the first time I ever took a pill. I couldn't swallow it and that bitter taste in my mouth was AWFUL ! even thinking about it I can taste it in my mouth. The side effects were the worst. There were day when I couldn't get up from bed to go to school, I was sooo skinny my rib cage were showing and people would ask my mom why I was so thin. There was a lady who asked me once if my mom feeds me, and i just didn't know who to answer. I use to get random trembles, I would have ridiculous mood swings, and I believe during this time was when I first thought about suicide. I hated my self a bit. I didn't understand what was happening to my body or what I was going through. All I knew was that I was going to be like this for the rest of my life. 

Favorite Photo

I didn't really know what photo to choose for today's prompt because I love all my pictures. I am very photogenic and that's one of the things I love about myself. But I chose this one because this was a time in my life when I was fit and happy with myself. I was 18 years old here. My life was AWESOME. I also love how my body looks. My make-up was very nice, that was when I was all into make-up and I had a beauty channel on YouTube. I need to get this shape back ! ASAP ! 

"lot in life"

I really have no difficulties in my life right now. I don't have a perfect family, but I am blessed to have a loving mother, a roof over my head, I don't starve, my few friends are AWESOME, I'm in love... what more can I ask for ? I am pretty content with everything in my life. I don't have it all or the "best" but I am grateful for everything.

A Day in My Life

It's 7:00 pm and my day has literally ended. Yes, this early I am done with my daily routine. People think that because I live in NYC my life is busy... well this time of the year is not. Until next month, when I start going out a little bit more and it gets warmer. I am currently a full time student, I am unemployed and I live at home with my mom. I usually don't do much during the day besides go to school. I am hoping with in the next few week my routine will change. But for now this is a day in my life :

(excuse the low quality photos, my phone is horrible with pictures) 

My day doesn't usually start until 12:00 pm .. I know what your thinking "Oh that's the good life" Yea it kinda is for now :) I wake up.. brush my teeth, make my self a nice lil breakfast. Today I had a Cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and carrot juice

. 

 12:30ish I do my May work-out challenge

Around 1:15pm : I start showering and getting my stuff ready for class. 

2:25 pm I start walking to the train station which is 5 blocks away from my house. I'm usually on the train by 2:35 pm. I rely on the MTA to take me everywhere, so I have to put up with delays, sick passengers  bible preachers, crying babies, and people begging for money. I usually just close my eyes and meditate for a bit. 

2:50 pm, I arrive at my stop. At time time the trains are crowed with kids coming out of school. Lucky I don't have to ride the crowed train. My class starts at 3:00 pm all the way until 6:00pm. I avoid rush hour while I am in class. 

6:45ish I am usually home. I get comfy, have a small snack and do the usual : Check my email, twitter, tumblr, instagram...ect. AND of course do my Blog Every Day In May Challenge. 

I spend the rest of the evening reading blogs, and just surfing the web. 

 9:00 pm I go to my room, read or study a bit, talk on the phone, do my nail, hair.. or whatever I have to do. 

I don't watch TV, much but I watch the Shaytards EVER SINGLE DAY , for the past 4 years. I have never missed a video, EVER ! YouTube is basically my "TV" 

The rest of my night (10:00pm - 1:00am) consist of YouTube, late dinner/snacks, reading and doing random stuff.

YUP... That's A DAY IN MY LIFE..

Not very interesting or fun, but I appreciate everything I have. Thank God I wake up everyday, able to breath, walk, talk, see, eat and ect, because not everyone has a chance to wake up the next morning. I am grateful for everything I have. 

ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR DAY LOVEY'S 

10 things that make me HAPPY ! :)

1. My Boyfriend Howard. 

2. Taking Photos. Photography is my Passion. 

3. The Shaytards, because when ever I feel down I can count on the to make me happy.

4. When my room is clean and smelling fresh 

5. Books

6. My dog Nina

7. Shopping for new clothes

8.Rain

9. Making other people happy

10. MONEY $$$$

GWB

I took these two photo 2 years ago. I am still in love with them ! 

Dear Public, Sorry, I'm not sorry

Dear Public (or who ever think I owe them and apology),
     I'm sorry, but I am not sorry. I'm not apologizing to anything I have done before. That is now in the past. If I ever said or did anything you didn't like, I'm not apologizing for it now. Why ? because its too late to undo the past. I probably said and did the things I did for a reason. I do not regret anything. I refuse to apologize for who I am. If you don't like who I am , I believe you shouldn't be part of my life. 

     My life, in a nutshell, has been nothing but me apologizing for who I am.
"Your too loud Dari." I'm sorry, I was feeling passionate.
"Why aren't you talking?" Sorry, I'm just tired.
     I'm not apologizing for being the moody person that I am. If you really knew me you would know my reasons and condition. I am content with who I am and what I do, and I do not dwell on the past. Accept me for who I am or GTFO my face :) 

Love , DARI 

xoxo

                                              

Something I miss ..

Recently I have learn not to get attached to things, to let go of the past, because whats not here in the moment you don't need in the future. God takes away and puts things in our lives for lessons. I use to think when I lost something my world was over, but actually loosing things that have been close to me has made me a stronger person today.

But if I had to say I miss something, it would be elementary school (P.S. 48M), Kindergarten all the way to fifth grade. I swear, those were the best years of my life. I get nostalgic everything I think back to those times. Those were the year were I discover who I was, what my talents were and who will mark my life for ever. My teachers were like my best friends, school was my escape from problems at home. There was nothing more amazing to me than getting up every morning, rain,snow or sunshine, to get to my "home". The only place I ever felt safe was there. I miss my teachers, I wish I could of kept them all through out Jr. High School and High School. I cant ever than them enough for teaching me that I am capable of doing anything and that I can be who ever I want. I miss the field trips. I miss the plays, spelling bee's, and all the events we had. I miss running down that hill on Broadway and just feeling all the joy in my heart. I miss school lunch and pizza parties and playing the violin, piano and recorder. I miss having the lead parts in the school plays. I miss being a leader, sports and arts, watching movies, going to the park ect. I miss not worrying about anything because i had the best role models to help me out in any problem. I have to say the last place I was ever treated good was at my elementary school. I thank my teachers for allowing me to discover my talents, and because of them I learned how to read in write. I miss them so much !



Happy Sunday and Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful mothers, who's first priority has been their child(s) before anything. Happy Mothers Day to those mothers who play both role's, Specially my mom, who has been there for me through THICK AND THIN, and no matter how much of a bad daughter I have been she has never let me down. The strongest woman I know, she has been through so many things and till this day she has never gave up although she could of many times. My mother will always mean the world to me. I clearly cant picture my life with out her.